Wednesday, December 30, 2009

the seedy seeds and life and death

short little story here. two weeks after lindsey had her accident, me and my very best friend went out to see this local and great band called the seedy seeds. they write unique and beautiful pop/indie/dance/folk music.

i am at this bar and waiting for them to go on, drinking quite a bit. i think my friend did something to piss me off so i was zoning out thinking about the horror, the guilt and sadness, guilt because i was here without her, and horror at the whole situation as a whole.

anyway, here i am at this bar, lindsey still in a coma, me drinking because i dont know what else the fuck to do, dread seeping out through my pores. nothing good and nothing hopeful at all.

the seedy seeds are three people. a very cute female lead singer/guitarist/accordian, a crazy mustached banjo player, and a badass drummer who lays it down. the beats are half him and half programmed video games beats.

they come on and start playing and a small wave of comfort splashes over me.

about half way through, they pull out kazoos and dance and kazoo this beautiful melody, and for a short amount of time, maybe 30 seconds or a minute, i understand pure joy. i see it. i see what real and unfiltered happiness and optimism sounds like and looks like. in the midst of the absolute bottom of where i have ever been, i see what real beauty looks like. by some folk disco band. playing fucking kazoos.

i dont understand it. but it happened.

the devil and god are raging inside of me (part three)

(part one and two are years old and floating around the internet somewhere)

when we last left matthew and the devil, they were alone in the woods, as matthew had just gotten dumped by his girlfriend. the devil told him to move on and that he had his mortal soul forever. but that was a different time then, a more innocent time, when getting dumped was all you had to to worry about.

jump ahead 3 years!!!!

matthew is sipping an expresso at the fancy neighborhood coffee shop. he is reading vanity fair and listening to madonna(ironically) on his headphones.

a skinny and blonde male with a trendy hat on and torn skinny jeans walks in. he orders a water and a cinnamon roll. he pays for it and leaves no tip... what a prick...

the man sits across from matthew and stares him down intensely as the blonde man eats his roll.

um... do i know you?

oh yes, you could say that...

ok, have i met you before? why are you sitting here?

oh matty boy, how soon and how easy you forget, i am everywhere, I AM ALWAYS THE ONE WHO SUMMONS THE WAKING DAY....

oh fuck, its you again.

me who? your mortal mind has no concept of my...

your the devil. you came to visit me in my room, and then you fucked with me when i was in the woods.

oh, well, YES I AM LORD LUCIFER, wait, how did you know it was me? i based my disguise off of all of those nerdy art hipster kids you go to see shows with.

i knew it was you because no one else on the planet talks about being the lord of death and talks in those loud crescendos like you do. except, like, college theater people.

ok then, um, how have you been?

well satan, i have been better.

oh yeah?

yeah, i have had a shitty year. my soul mate got fucked up bad, people i knew got blew up in wars, my friends fell apart, Micheal Jackson died.

yeah i knew about the mikey thing. did you know he really didnt fuck those kids?

i didnt think so.

that surprised me! i was totally expecting him to come on down. i had it all planned out, i was going to take the guise of his father and make him...

anyway, 2009 has been a shitty year. i am going to drink it away with a vengeance. by the way, do you time your arrivals it like this?

what do you mean, matthew?

well every time you show up, i am going through a rough spell.

not really. i just get bored. being the devil is pretty fucking boring nowadays. i mean, if you think about it, i pretty much already own everything that needs to be owned. the soul of the modern man, the white house, corporate interests, mainstream movies, mainstream music, reality shows, soccer moms, the innocence of youth, third world countries, democrats, republicans, al gore, billy bush, spencer and heidi, baptists churches, you name it, i already own it. the only thing i havent really been able to get a hold of is blowjobs and trent reznor.

well blowjobs are awesome.

true.

and trent reznor overcame great struggles with addiction and depression and still kept his artistic dignity intact.

very true. we play the downward spiral all the time down in hell. it works great.

so you just get bored and what, you try to earn my soul or something?

fuck no! i already know i have your ass when you die, which will be in 37 years, 3 months, 56 minutes, and 3 seconds.

really?

maybe, i guess we will find out.

oh satan, you are such a kidder.

or am i?

so what the fuck man, where is the next year going to take me?

well, it has to only get better, i mean, thats the law of the universe. things crash down and thing swoop up.

but i dont feel much hope for the future.

well no shit. hope is for hippies and Christians. some Christians anyway.

which ones?

the ones that dont go to church.

oh.

trust me, i am not saying this to cheer you up. sometimes your the fly, and sometimes your the motherfucking windshield.

that was corny.

you make your own path. you decide. you think me and that cocksucker upstairs have anything to do with anything? you assholes are reality television to us. we just sit back and watch you guys kill each other and we keep the scraps. you got to decide where you go and how to do it. we dont give a fuck.

last time you left with more words of encouragement.

well you know what, nostalgia will fuck ya. last time you were crying over your fucking girlfriend, like that was some big and huge existential crisis. awww my gurlfriend wont let me see her big ole titties anymo, awww pity me i am so sad.

that was a long time ago.

and look at your problems now. fuck, i bet you wish you were crying over spilled virginity now.

i dont wish that at all.

my point is the pendulum is always going to keep on swinging. either bitch about it or try to hold on to the train. or fuck, just kill yourself.

thats nice.

FOR WHEN YOU DIE I WILL OWN YOUR BEING IN AN EVERLASTING CHAMBER OF DOOM AND TORTURE.

thank you satan, your always a big help.

who is this brittney murphy bitch?

why?

cuz she showed up down there and i had never seen any of her movies. was she in anything good?

well, sin city...

oh i love that one! mickey rourke is the shit!

mickey rourke is always the shit, satan.

amen to that.

i think she was in clueless.

never seen it.

well, people make it out to be this post modern sort of ironic thing. its really just rich girls being retarded.

oh.

but man, mickey rourke is fucking awesome, we can both agree on that.

things will get better. keep pushing on and making things happen for your self. face despair but dont let it become a blanket. stand in the tide but dont drown in it. be positive but know you are going to lose, and that i always have your noose waiting and ready to go. i gotta split.

where you off to?

iran protesters. muslim extremists are the best thing to happen to me since america started killing nazis. its been busy season since 9/11.

well good luck satan.

yeah you too.

Monday, December 14, 2009

smoking and media and Chelsie Ast.

and god help us all. i was born fucking cranky. i started bitching about light the minute i saw it. so i am not saying that cigarettes cured that, but they did curb my inner curb your enthusiasm. but now i am giving them up. i havent smoked in two in a half days. fuck! it is really not that bad, i have gone days without smoking before, no big deal, but maybe writing about isnt helping because as of right now as i type this sentence i want to smoke one bad. my point is i am pissed off at everything. every little teeny tiny anything i want to fucking KICK IT and then KILL IT and then kick it again.

like right now, tiger woods is on the tv. now the fact be banged 27 porn stars and hookers left and right does not bother me. i dont care who does what to who or when and why. its the fact grown adults spend tv time talking about someones personal shit when there is so many stories that are a little more important.

but i know, how many times have people made that same complaint? i feel like such a defeatist. the fighter in me got gang raped a long time ago, by tiger woods of all people. the media covers stupid shit. real problems like aids and poverty and corporate corruption will always be and will not be covered, and the people that do cover the bullshit on the inter web are so pissed off at the fact that no one is doing anything that they get wrapped up in this che inspired rhetoric and sound like a fucking nut case. WE WILL DESTROY THE GOVERNMENT FROM THE INSIDE AND BRING IT BACK TO THE PEOPLE! THEY PLANNED 911! GLEN BECK IS AN IDIOT!

and the really smart sensible people just turn into apathy. fuck it, its all a lost cause anyway, let the fish eat the other fish and i am going to enjoy my drinks and my casual sex and the things that make me happy. and really, it is hard not to go into that line of thinking. that is probably the one i am closest to. but my problem is every once in a while i will get sucked into something like health care or I'll read something that some corporation did and it will piss me off and i will want to do something about it.

like smoke a fucking cigarette.

the thing i love more then anything is when the weather is freezing cold and you are you with your loved one and she smells so good in the cold cold weather and you hold her hand and, well fuck, i dont know, i like girls in cold weather.

like smoking a fucking cigerette.

there was this girl and her name was Chelsie Ast. she lived in my town when she was very young. she did not get along with many people, but she did have quite a few friends. she had a rough time in elementary school. when she was 12 years old her mom died of a rare blood disease. she lived alone with her mom in a shitty apartment on front street that i am sure she shared with a cloud of crack and weed smoke. i went in there once and her mom was in the living room, sitting there and looking sick and lost.

when her mom died she lived with her grandparents for a little while, but i dont think they could handle her. she was starting to act out a little bit, get into some drugs and some odd people. eventually her grandparents passed her off to live with her asshole redneck dad who had abandoned her when she was a little kid. she moved from Ohio to the bottom of Florida to the nothingness of Tennessee where her dad lived. i do not know all of the details but i have a couple letters she sent me and it sounded like her dad was just a drunk careless asshole who could give three fucks about Chelsie. she started cutting herself and got kicked out of two schools in under a year.

three years after she left she came back to town to visit a couple people. she came over to my house when no one was there and we had crazy and hot sex on the floor of my bedroom. she was the second women i had sex with it. it was sweary and she screamed and it felt really good. we hung out for a while naked and her grandparents came and she threw her clothes on and kissed me and i never saw her again. this was probably the summer of 2003.

a lot happened in between then and now and i fell out of touch with her, although i thought about her every once in a while. last sunday i realized that i could look her up on facebook and see what she was up to, see if she was ok. i had a tiny feeling in my head that something bad had happened to her. i type in her name on facebook and nothing comes up. i got to myspace and nothing comes up.

so i type her name google and the first article is an old article from a local newspaper. the article was about teens going to a summer camp to deal with grief. she was the main kid they talked to. she was 12, right after her mothers death. in the article they all stood around a bonfire and held letters and gifts from their dead parents or dead sisters or brothers. lost and sad kids who are ruined forever standing around fire holding relics of things they want back more then anything. i read it and picture her standing there.

the second hit was a list of dead social security numbers. i guess when you die they list off your number. i click it and it says Chelsie Ast, 1988-2004, buried in Tennessee, Death Notice from Ohio. she died the march after i saw her. there is no obituary any where on the internet and no articles about how she died.

from the beginning this girl was giving nothing but a shit deal. and most people won't remember her. she was sweet and kind but troubled, and no one was there for her. i wasn't. i cared about her but i was a young a pussy obsessed teenager, and she was another notch on the belt at the time. survivors guilt? not that much. she was destined for something bad to happen to her, but maybe i could of done something a little bit more then just fuck her.

now Chelsie haunts me every day.

i need a fucking cigarette.

my favorite albums(from the facebooks)

i do this every year but this is the first time i have done it on the face book/my writing site, so here it goes, my favorite shit that came out this year

lets start with music! here are my five favorite albums this year. i could prolly do ten, but who has time for that bullshit???

5. Tegan and Sara-Sainthood: the chorus of the first song "Arrow" is the catchiest melody of the past 12 months. these chicks write tight, short, workman like pop songs with vague but not too pretentious lyrics. their last two albums were just as killer, so i think these girlies win the whole twin sister lesbian indie rock goddess award. i know its a tight race, no pun intended. my favorites are On Directing, Arrow, Alligator Tears.

4. Pomegranates- Everybody! Come Outside!: the seedy seeds would be like number one or two on the list but i think their album Count the Days came out in 2008, and that would be cheating. but i think i love this album better anyway. these are some local Cincinnati boys who are just amazing musicians. they put on a great live show and the two vocalist really balance each other out great. also their drummer is one of my favorite drummers beating it up nowadays. the album is supposed to be a concept album about ufos and time travel. i fucking love these guys. My favorites are Beachcomber, Tesseract, and the best song they have ever done, Jerusalem Had a Bad Day.

3. Sunset Rubdown-Dragonslayer: Spencer Krug is no doubt my favorite musician working. i love Wolf Parade like a daughter but for some reason his solo band is more close to the gut. their 2007 Random Spirit Lover is one of the all time best most epic albums, and if that came out this year it would be number one. The song Silver Moons is the best song ever about being too old to party like you used to and thinking about holding your ex-girlfriends hand outside of the school bonfire when you were 16. my favorites are Silver Moons and You Go on Ahead(Trumpet Trumpet Trumpet Part two).

2. Grizzly Bear-Veckatmist: i will always love this album because every harmony and jazzy scale will always remind me of Lindsey. there is something so easy, smooth, yet haunting and sad about this album that i can't help but think about her every time i hear the ending of Ready,Able. seeing them at bonnaroo was one of my highlights of the summer. on a side note: their guitar player is no shit awesome. he uses these guitars from the 40s and 50s, slaps heavy ass strings on them and uses these jazz chords, but strums it in such a way it sounds like a ton of pretty bricks made of rainbows slamming down. and ed droste has the best voice besides Panda Bear. favorites: Cheerleader, Southern Point, Ready, Able.

1. Animal Collective-Merriweather Post Pavilion: duh. this is the new classic. i am not going to rant and rave for hours about this album, but fuck it is great. i still listen to every song and i am never sick of it. their EP Fall Be Kind is just as good. for someone like me who has been down these guys since Feels and Sung Tongs, it makes me happy that they got so much praise and acclaim. i dont know what else to say, i love these guys. favorites: BrotherSport, My GIrls, Daily Routine, Taste, the whole fucking album.

other shit that came out that was awesome: Neko Case, Dirty Projectors, frontiers of folk nebraska, silversun pickups, mos def, the flaming lips, St. VIncent, atlas sounds.

man there really wasnt a whole lot of good movies this year. i havent seen avatar yet, so who knows, but now that i think about it, i am not sure if i saw five movies that came out this year that were great. hmm...Moon was great, Star Trek..

actually Star Trek was my favorite movie this year. there im done.

here are the best t.v shows this year:

Mad Men, season Three.
BEST SHOW EVER OMG LIKE LOL.

Jon Hamm is the new James Gandolfini. there i said it. Christina Hendricks is the most attrative chick on t.v. the writing is smart and deep. its a good show trust me.

lets hope next year is better.

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Part One

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