(part one and two are years old and floating around the internet somewhere)
when we last left matthew and the devil, they were alone in the woods, as matthew had just gotten dumped by his girlfriend. the devil told him to move on and that he had his mortal soul forever. but that was a different time then, a more innocent time, when getting dumped was all you had to to worry about.
jump ahead 3 years!!!!
matthew is sipping an expresso at the fancy neighborhood coffee shop. he is reading vanity fair and listening to madonna(ironically) on his headphones.
a skinny and blonde male with a trendy hat on and torn skinny jeans walks in. he orders a water and a cinnamon roll. he pays for it and leaves no tip... what a prick...
the man sits across from matthew and stares him down intensely as the blonde man eats his roll.
um... do i know you?
oh yes, you could say that...
ok, have i met you before? why are you sitting here?
oh matty boy, how soon and how easy you forget, i am everywhere, I AM ALWAYS THE ONE WHO SUMMONS THE WAKING DAY....
oh fuck, its you again.
me who? your mortal mind has no concept of my...
your the devil. you came to visit me in my room, and then you fucked with me when i was in the woods.
oh, well, YES I AM LORD LUCIFER, wait, how did you know it was me? i based my disguise off of all of those nerdy art hipster kids you go to see shows with.
i knew it was you because no one else on the planet talks about being the lord of death and talks in those loud crescendos like you do. except, like, college theater people.
ok then, um, how have you been?
well satan, i have been better.
oh yeah?
yeah, i have had a shitty year. my soul mate got fucked up bad, people i knew got blew up in wars, my friends fell apart, Micheal Jackson died.
yeah i knew about the mikey thing. did you know he really didnt fuck those kids?
i didnt think so.
that surprised me! i was totally expecting him to come on down. i had it all planned out, i was going to take the guise of his father and make him...
anyway, 2009 has been a shitty year. i am going to drink it away with a vengeance. by the way, do you time your arrivals it like this?
what do you mean, matthew?
well every time you show up, i am going through a rough spell.
not really. i just get bored. being the devil is pretty fucking boring nowadays. i mean, if you think about it, i pretty much already own everything that needs to be owned. the soul of the modern man, the white house, corporate interests, mainstream movies, mainstream music, reality shows, soccer moms, the innocence of youth, third world countries, democrats, republicans, al gore, billy bush, spencer and heidi, baptists churches, you name it, i already own it. the only thing i havent really been able to get a hold of is blowjobs and trent reznor.
well blowjobs are awesome.
true.
and trent reznor overcame great struggles with addiction and depression and still kept his artistic dignity intact.
very true. we play the downward spiral all the time down in hell. it works great.
so you just get bored and what, you try to earn my soul or something?
fuck no! i already know i have your ass when you die, which will be in 37 years, 3 months, 56 minutes, and 3 seconds.
really?
maybe, i guess we will find out.
oh satan, you are such a kidder.
or am i?
so what the fuck man, where is the next year going to take me?
well, it has to only get better, i mean, thats the law of the universe. things crash down and thing swoop up.
but i dont feel much hope for the future.
well no shit. hope is for hippies and Christians. some Christians anyway.
which ones?
the ones that dont go to church.
oh.
trust me, i am not saying this to cheer you up. sometimes your the fly, and sometimes your the motherfucking windshield.
that was corny.
you make your own path. you decide. you think me and that cocksucker upstairs have anything to do with anything? you assholes are reality television to us. we just sit back and watch you guys kill each other and we keep the scraps. you got to decide where you go and how to do it. we dont give a fuck.
last time you left with more words of encouragement.
well you know what, nostalgia will fuck ya. last time you were crying over your fucking girlfriend, like that was some big and huge existential crisis. awww my gurlfriend wont let me see her big ole titties anymo, awww pity me i am so sad.
that was a long time ago.
and look at your problems now. fuck, i bet you wish you were crying over spilled virginity now.
i dont wish that at all.
my point is the pendulum is always going to keep on swinging. either bitch about it or try to hold on to the train. or fuck, just kill yourself.
thats nice.
FOR WHEN YOU DIE I WILL OWN YOUR BEING IN AN EVERLASTING CHAMBER OF DOOM AND TORTURE.
thank you satan, your always a big help.
who is this brittney murphy bitch?
why?
cuz she showed up down there and i had never seen any of her movies. was she in anything good?
well, sin city...
oh i love that one! mickey rourke is the shit!
mickey rourke is always the shit, satan.
amen to that.
i think she was in clueless.
never seen it.
well, people make it out to be this post modern sort of ironic thing. its really just rich girls being retarded.
oh.
but man, mickey rourke is fucking awesome, we can both agree on that.
things will get better. keep pushing on and making things happen for your self. face despair but dont let it become a blanket. stand in the tide but dont drown in it. be positive but know you are going to lose, and that i always have your noose waiting and ready to go. i gotta split.
where you off to?
iran protesters. muslim extremists are the best thing to happen to me since america started killing nazis. its been busy season since 9/11.
well good luck satan.
yeah you too.
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