I am a failure and everything i do is trite and cheap

i am doomed to fail as a writer.

i am ok with this, and this is not a fact that makes me depressed. the idea of success and art and art and commerce and competition between art school students and all of that shit makes me sick. people write whole fucking books and shit about the subjective nature of art and the definition and what it means and what it doesn't mean. to me it always made sense. art is something somebody creates to express themselves. if it is honest and there is truth behind their medium then that is considered 'good' and thats what attracts me to it. pretty easy. i can tell when someone is full of shit. i can tell when someone is trying to hard. i can tell when someone is being a pretentious asshole who is just throwing words or images down with no real meaning or thought behind them.

i guess that is a pretty broad way of looking at things but it works for me. i dont feel a need to defend anything i like. i trust my tastes. out of all of the chaos and despair i feel on any given fucking day about any given fucking thing at least i know what a good song is. i know what a well written movie or a well written television show is. art makes me happier then anything. its a selfish thing.

kind of like writing. i love writing. i fucking love it. its what i am pretty good at. and i really dont give a shit who reads it. i am writing for myself and me and also I and maybe me as well. thats it.

but a tiny part of me wants people to read it and just experience the whole crazy trip i am trying to take. and that is why i am doomed to fail as a writer.

books and the written word itself are about dead. maybe not dead but they are certainly out of fashion. look at this stupid new fucking stupid ass thing called the IPAD. you can read books off it!!!! books!!! you know what else you can read books on? fucking books! and instead of paying 600 dollars for a big clunky thing that you can read books on, how about you go down to the fucking library, sign up for a godamn library card, and see how much that cost you. ill give you a hint. nothing. it will cost you nothing.

but our mindset and culture is about the quickest. every one has fucking ADD. i read an article about how the internet has changed the way major label artists write songs. they make the first 30 seconds the most interesting and catchy because they know people click through songs after hearing like five seconds worth. now dont get me wrong, major labels are the fucking problem in the first place, but that kind of thinking is so prevalent among EVERYBODY. i cant imagine what the kids think about bands like Pink Floyd nowadays. the first seven and a half minutes of Shine on You Crazy Diamond has no words! what the hell is this shit? i hate kids.

what i am saying is i cant hand out the shit i do on facebook. i cant fucking put it on a digital mix cd and hand it out. even people i know and admire, shit, they dont have fucking time to read through the stuff i do. i write long fractured narratives that either build on themselves and require you to pay attention, or i write long rambling fractured narratives that dont build to anything and dont explain shit.

one time when i was young i went to a therapist, and this guy was a fucking idiot. i would just make shit up to him and lie to him and ate it all up. i was probably about 13 or 14. anyway this guy talked to my mother and told her that he thought i had ADD. my mom shook her head in disbelief and asked "is there anything that is like, the opposite of ADD?"

my point is that the things i have to express and write are things that are not going to sell easy. i am not bitching. i really dont care. i am just pointing out the fact that this site and everything i do is me screaming at a brick wall.

and i blame it all on the hip hop and the lady gagas! godamn kids!

(a little credit to bright eyes for the title. i never steal shit without admitting) it!